X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Completely spur of the moment, the fam and I decided to see catch a matinee today. I had terrifically low expectations and, as a result, great great fun. It was obviously designed to give hard-ons to fourteen-year-olds, so if you have any kind of love for brainless bravado, cheesy one-liners, and nonstop mediocre action, you'll probably enjoy this.

High points:

• Every second Liev Schreiber's around
• Ryan Reynolds speaking
• Hugh Jackman's extended pantslessness

Low points:

• Three words: Will. I. Am. (I'm not normally the type to shout "Kill him!" in the theater. Especially regarding a good guy.)
  
• Surprise: adamantium can absorb Cyclopian eyeball-blasts!
• Wolverine's claws and skeleton look like they're made of soft gray plastic like the butcher's knife from a cheap Halloween costume
• Ma and Pa Kent
  
• Mute Ryan Reynolds and his stupid-ass powers--even Liefeld couldn't have made Deadpool this awful
  

If you're from New Orleans, you had to wonder as he crossed the Greater New Orleans Bridge into the city: just what the fuck was Wolverine doing on the West Bank? Ain't no reason to be there unless you live there. It is NOT a route from anywhere else in the country to the city. Though it shore looks purdy on screen, don't it, chere?

The action never feels high-stakes, but it's pretty good regardless.

Stick around for the post-credits snippet. As a scene it's about as useless as ketchup to a kangaroo, but it does suggest that a sequel would draw from one of the best Wolverine stories, Claremont & Miller's mid-eighties Japan-set run. I don't know if that's really good news.